Drunken Purchases of Amazon

Updated: Apr 23, 2020

So as you may have guessed, since quarantine I've spent many a night sat on my sofa in the evening, drinking gin and tonic. This is usually spent scrolling the internet, reminding myself not to buy anything due to the fact that we currently have no income. Really hard for someone like myself; a self confessed consumer in all the worst ways. I'm constantly buying shit that I really don't need, much to Sam's despair, and the root of many an argument surrounding money.

A few days ago I'd remembered that on one of these drunken nights, I'd made a list on my phone. This list was entitled "Important things to discuss with Sam tomorrow". On this list was written "Table Tennis, Badminton Net, Sand Pit and Slide." As you can see, all very important things to discuss. Anyway, the long and short of this is none of these things were ordered, however, on another drunken evening, inspired by my ridiculously trivial "important list" I ordered something even better than all the above, combined.

A few days later the doorbell rang, and Sam accepted a parcel. Asking me the ever familiar question "what have you ordered?" I tentatively took the box, and wondered how I would break it to him that I'd drunkenly ordered a massive inflatable dinosaur-themed-volcano paddling pool?

I just took it from the box, and spread it out on the floor, sure that even though it was a cold and cloudy day, inflating this in the living room would at least keep Nel entertained until bedtime. As I laid it out, I soon realised that it was the same size as our living room. Thankfully, Sam didn't seem to be too upset about my rather ridiculous purchase, instead offering to help me inflate it.

Needless to say, once it was inflated, Nel adored it, and spent hours running around, bouncing and going down the slide again and again. After having my living room feel like a soft play centre for the whole afternoon, we swiftly moved it outside once Nel was in bed, really feeling the need to not have every inch of our home stuffed with infant toys and paraphernalia.

The rest of the week was pretty much uneventful. I made the weekly excursion to the shops, where I was just shocked by how horrible some people are considering the circumstances we all find ourselves facing. I got some nasty passive aggressive comment thrown my way when my trolly was pointing in the opposite direction to the arrows on the floor in Tesco. Well you know what, just bugger off! I wash my hands and keep my distance, disinfect my trolly with Dettol wipes and don't bring my toddler with me because IF she had Corona Virus she would DEFINITELY dribble on and lick everything and give it to the whole of Scotland. See? I'm responsible. But because my trolly was pointing in the wrong direction, some asshole takes it upon himself to spread some misery and meanness. God, why do times like this bring out the best but also the absolute worst in people?

Anyway, the rest of the week was lovely as usual. We took Nel to forrest where she discovered a total OBSESSION with pine cones which was interesting. Especially since now is the time of year where the pine cones are falling from the trees, so there were literally THOUSANDS of the things all over the forrest floor. Nel decided that she wanted to take every one of these pine cones home, in her tiny little toddler / baby pockets. If I tried to say no she screamed at me until I gave in. So I had to pretend to put more and more pine cones in her pockets, whilst actually flinging them over her shoulder when she wasn't looking. Needless to say we ended up being in that forrest for far longer than suggested government guidelines, but we managed to lure her out with a packet of raisins and the promise of a dummy and a weird hair extension.

I feel like now is the right time to approach the hair extension. You may see in some photos of Nel that she is carrying around a piece of brown hair. I just want to say now that yes, I know this is very, very odd behaviour. However, there is a good reason. When she was a little baby, she became obsessed with stroking my hair, and wouldn't sleep without grabbing it, pulling it, and wrapping it round her little chubby baby hands. Every time she woke at night (which was / still is A LOT) she would want to pull my hair to comfort herself back to sleep again.

One day, feeling at my wits end, I logged onto Amazon and ordered a pack of hair extensions. I thought, if I can just put one in her hand maybe she will fall asleep without m risking getting all my hair pulled out by the time she is 5. Well, it worked better than I could ever have hoped. She loved her new hair extensions; more so than my hair. Initially, I was delighted. I was able to just pop her in her cot at bedtime with it and she'd happily drift off to sleep. That and her dummy are her major comforters. However, we now have the issue of not just trying to break the dummy habit, however, also the hair extension. Because this quarantine is testing enough and I lack the ability to stand my ground and fight, Nel is often seen running around in pure delight, hair extension in hand, like a wonderful little weirdo, and I don't have the heart to stop her. I'll have to wait until she's old enough to understand the concept of the "hair extension fairy". Close pals with the "dummy fairy".