"Not Now, I'm Having a Bum"

Updated: May 2, 2020

Here we go again, an attempt at piecing together enough interesting shit that's happened to me in the last few days, that may allude to a half decent blog post.

So what's new? Well remember how I said I'm just drinking Fridays and Saturdays? Well that's gone out the window. The weather's been great, and drinking just goes hand in hand with sitting in the sun. Plus it gives some kind of light relief to the whole Corona Virus situation. Plus I bought about 30 limes last weekend for margaritas, so I need to work my way through them or they'll go off. And it'd be awful to waste food at a time like this.

Apart from that, we've been chasing the Scottish Government and our local council regarding getting some of these grants promised for small businesses. Due the to fact the we don't pay rates, there seems to be little help for us. Basically £388million has been awarded through grants to a range of different businesses in Scotland, averaging at £11,757 per payout. There were 33,000 businesses to have received these grants, out of 72,000 who applied. The Scottish Government have now added an additional £120million to top up the grants already received by rate paying businesses, bringing the total to £508million.

There is now a new fund of £100 million to be split between the remainder of the businesses who have slipped through the net. If the 39,000 who applied and received nothing, all got some of that (although there will be many more who didn't apply in the first round) then the average grant available per businesses will be £2565. A pitiful amount compared to what other businesses have received (often received multiple times for multiple claims) and compared to the loss we've had to take. Its mad! We pay so much in taxes, we have 6 permanent staff, and create 50 temporary jobs in the summer months. Yet we get sweet fuck all in return. The SNP act as though they're a socialist government, but I'm really starting to think they're Tories in disguise.

So we're surviving on savings at the moment, which we're lucky to have. We have zero income so that's always reassuring, especially when you've got a young child. Also, listening to the news, we might well have these social distancing measures in place into 2021. Life has an eerie feeling to it that it's never going to quite be the same again.

Anyway. Lets think about more positive things. Nel's still a nut job. But great. As she's getting older her defiant personality is coming through more and more. The other morning I was just out the shower, and about to get dressed into my gym clothes to do a workout in the garden. Nel was messing about on my bed, as I lay out my clothes ready to put on. She was also naked. As I picked up my sports bra, she grabbed it from me and slipped it over her head. I tried to take it back, laughing and saying "no no, that's mum's bra", but my attempt to take it from her was met with screams and protests. So what did I do? I gave in of course, because I can NOT be arsed with fighting with a toddler. She may well grow up to be a total asshole, expecting to get her own way because of things like this, but I honestly just want an easy life right now in lockdown.

Nel spent the first half of the morning prancing around the house and garden in just a nappy and a neon yellow sports bra. When it was time to go for a walk, I tried to take it off her, and put her clothes on. However, again she protested vehemently, so the dungarees just went on over the top.

When we returned from our walk, she then decided to strip off entirely, nappy included, bar a pair of socks, and she picked up a snake print belt, which she draped over her shoulders. And then started dancing.

It was at this point, that I realised that Nel's look on this day, was heavily inspired by the dress code of a gay man at Heaven Nightclub in Charing Cross, London. It momentarily made me sad as I remembered free-er times where I would go dancing in London's gay clubs (not dressed quite like Nel).

But seriously, the freedom and joys of life we all took for granted are just gone. And for how long? I'm so scared that if and when this ever ends, and places like clubs theatres and pubs etc can reopen, that no one will hug each other anymore, that people will want people 2 metres away from each other at all times. Will people still go out on the pull??? What an awful time to be single and never know if someone wants to ever sleep with you again for fear of possibly catching Corona Virus, never mind anything else? And will they be doing it whilst wearing face masks?? People always say married people don't have exciting sex lives, and being out on "the pull" is more fun, but look at us boring married folk now!!

Which I guess leads us quite neatly into my next laugh that Nel gave me this morning.

I was sat on the toilet minding my own business, when Nel came bursting through the bathroom door with a packet of fruit snacks, asking me to open them. I sent her to her dad, because, as I say, I was on the loo.

Now when we talk to Nel, going to the loo is "having a bum". I never really thought about how odd that sounds before, because its just our way of trying to get her to understand what we're on about, without saying "taking a shit".

So as I was sat there shouting "not now, I'm having a bum", I suddenly thought back to my 20's, and how that would have meant something totally different before this whole parenthood thing came about. Wild times hey.

Anyway, Sam's just come through the house with a margarita...those limes won't drink themselves...!